I have super cheap rent. My roommates generally go to bed around the same time I do, get up at the same time I do, so keeping each other awake is usually not an issue. They perform the all-important function of letting my dog out to pee and feeding her when I have to work late. But I keep running into little conflicts with them that leave me feeling like I must move immediately.

I’m writing this out since I’ve been going to a therapist a couple times a month (small conflicts with people at work make me super stressed out too.) My therapist is of the opinion that these kinds of conflicts will follow, no matter who I live with, and that I need to practice working them out. She especially thinks that since I’m not great friends with my roommates, this is a good place to try out new strategies, since I will move out soonish anyway, so what is there to lose?

So, here is an example of how I get completely thrown into a state of get-me-out-of-here.

Disclaimer: This conflict is tiny and insignificant, I know. But these small conflicts can pop up all the time with people you live or work with. Have enough of them, and they start to have a longer-lasting effect. Some of the people you have conflicts with might respond like I do, and this may give you some insight as to why. Some of YOU may feel the same way about these little issues as I do, and maybe someone has a good comment to share on how to deal with this better.

I tend to think things over for awhile before deciding if it’s worth saying something about. For awhile now, my roommates have been putting the dishwasher or washing machine on right as I am going to shower at bedtime, and then I need to wait an hour plus to get in the shower and go to bed.

So tonight, I stopped in the living room where they were playing video games and said:

“Hey, do you think we could start trying to have you guys ask me if I’m about to shower before putting the dishwasher/washing machine on?”

Roommate 1: “But we don’t know when you will get home and shower. Sometimes you get home past 11. We don’t want to wait until you get home to ask you.”

I start feeling a little attacked - I got home after 11 three times in the last two weeks, but prior to this it has never been that late. To me, she’s saying they can’t be courteous because I worked late a couple of times.

Me: “Okay, fine”

And I start to walk out of the room, because I’ve decided ze is not interested in trying this solution.

Roommate: “You get too defensive.”

Me: “Yes, well, sorry. I do get defensive. I guess because I am home now and was home when you turned it on.”

Roommate: “We can’t turn it on at 7:30 and know you’ll be home at 7:45 and want to shower then.”

To me it seems obvious what I want - if I’m home at 7:00, and you go to put it on at 7:30, just check with me first to see if I’m on my way in. If I’m not home, you can’t do that, so just put it on.

From my roommate, I’m getting the impression that ze is immediately deciding NO NO NO, and I don’t want to have to lay out the logic for zir. I don’t want to debate it if ze cannot be considerate.

Roommate 2 wants to keep the peace, as usual. Ze points out that they won’t be bothered if I turn said appliance off, shower, then turn it back on. I wasn’t aware it was okay to do this, especially with washing machine.

I decide I can just do that, that’s a fine solution, but I can’t bring myself to stop being awkward towards Roommate 1, due to our near argument. So I head off into my room without saying anything more to Roommate 1, get my towel, turn off the dishwasher and shower.

Handling Conflict

I admit, I’m not the best at handling conflict. But does it seem to anyone else like I am not the only defensive one here? Roommate 2 had a solution everyone could live with. But Roommate 1 immediately jumped to why this was NOT POSSIBLE without putting any thought into it.

How would you approach a discussion with someone like this?

My therapist suggested the following formula, so I will probably get in trouble next session for not trying it out, but I didn’t realize that this little conversation would turn into one of our conflicts:

Say what you see/do:

When I try to shower, and see that the dishwasher or washing machine is on…

Say what you feel:

I feel frustrated

Say a concrete reason why:

Because I have to wait an hour to be able to shower.

Suggest what you could try to fix this:

Could we try having whoever wants to use the washer check with me to see if I’m about to shower?

In this interaction, I skipped right to the last step, which I think I do a lot because I assume that the first 3 points are universally understood. I just don’t see how phrasing this differently would have made Roommate 1 less negative in zir reaction! I can only imagine that using the long, thought out formula, would make this seem like an even bigger deal.

Does anyone who feels confident in situations like this find that they use a version of the above formula? Or is this too forced?

Recovering from conflict

I probably made the wrong move leaving pretty quickly directly after the discussion. I probably showed how upset I still was about the conflict (in that moment.) As I walked by to shower, I tried to look not-upset, since the issue is essentially resolved. (What I’m upset about is the conflict, and the pattern of Roommate 1 acting like it’s too hard to compromise with anyone.)

I end up feeling like this affects our relationship for days. It makes me hate Roommate 1 a little bit, albeit briefly. But every new conflict adds to the barrier between us being able to be friendly, if not actual friends. Partly because the more this happens, the less interested I am in being friendly with zir.

Moving On

So, the real issue, being able to shower, is resolved. Should I forget that I caused a small argument to get this? Can I continue to put up with small issues like this turning into a conflict, or do they build up too much tension over time? I could chicken out, and just ask Roommate 2 before bringing it up to Roommate 1, and see if Roommate 2 has a solution. (Roommate 2 doesn’t seem to be bothered by either of us, but really wants to have us getting along.) Going to Roommate 2 with every complaint seems to put unfair pressure on zir.

Should I move and try to find roommates that are more considerate (is this even likely to be out there?)

Should I just give up and find a place without roommates, because I’m sucky at having discussions?